The original journal was so long it was split between 2 accounts
the other half is here: [link]

Chuck Norris doesn't own a stove or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck norris walked into a newsagents... no one survived.

3Chuck norris CAN believe it's not butter

Chuck norris can slam a revolving door

Chuck norris doesn't play God because playing is for kids

Chuck norris can win a game of connect 4 in just 3moves

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird

Chuck norris gives freddy kroeger nightmares

There is no ctrl button on chuck norris's computer because chuck norris is always in control

Chuck norris drives an ice cream truck cover in human skulls

There is no theory of evolution. just a list of animals that chuck norris lets live

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded 12 guage shotgun and won.

There is in fact an I in Norris, but there is no team not even close.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

Chuck Norris's; roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of petrol, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred pounds. You will be lucky if you make it out alive

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 12.8 seconds.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions cry

Chuck norris does not sleep. he waits.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour petrol over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune in 1964 and was the first to spin. They are still waiting for the wheel to slow down.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.